“Thank you, Universe, for allowing me to be vulnerable.”…
By Zaira Meneses
Who hasn’t gotten an unhappy haircut or hair color?
If you have hair and already tried different styles of haircut/style: long, short, bangs, no bangs, red, blond, brunette, white or green, you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t have strong hair, you have researched how to make it stronger, grow it, or at least wonder how to insert new hair. One way or another, our hair is essential to us. It represents who we are and how we think and act; it shapes our personality and behavior. It also helps us to know how to dress for important occasions. A hairstyle gives the initial presentation. We can agree or disagree about the importance of our hair; the only way to find out is if you ask yourself who does your hair and why?.
I used to come to the salon every six months for only a treatment. My hairdresser often made comments about my long hair, such as: “You look like Virgin Mary,” “Your hair is a long sausage without any shape or form,” and so on. I tried not to listen to her since she had already cut my hair for many years; I trusted her; plus, It is not about others; I do not care what people think or say about me and my hair; it is about how I feel. As a Mexican woman, hair is not just hair. It represents our tribe, a group of Indigenous women trying to defend our pride, culture, roots, and work.
This summer was sweltering in Boston. I had a very intense ten months working nonstop at a festival. I walked into the hair salon and asked my hairdresser to cut the ends – Can you please keep the same length? I asked. Just shape it with long layers and apply a touch of highlights; it will be great to feel fresh in a hot summer, I thought! The next thing I knew, she cut not only layers but also a large amount of hair, which I didn’t ask for!, do you know that feeling?
I look myself in the mirrow, my hair became the same style as it used to be twenty years ago when I was trying so hard to accept my unhappy situation. One fast haircut, and I was gone from the present moment. A vivid flashback of blurriness, sadness, and darkness took over my body making me feel blue. Suddenly, I was young, inexperienced, and lonely again: gasslighted by an insecure, narcissistic money-pincher priviledge master manipulater man who creates fear in our family about money, an egocentric man who took advantage of me for his self center benefits to protect himself. He makes me believe the only value in my life is him, his talents, his projects, his legacy, his work, his name, his time, his country, “his vission” “his” “ideas”, his friends, his students, his contacts, etc; he is superior in everything, my savior, the most admirable, intelligent, comprehensive brilliant man, “helping” me and doing me ” favors” : controlling and owning everything we have built together. The downward spiral I tried to avoid for years returned in a haircut shape; I must embrace my feelings and ask myself: Why am I embarrassed to share my story? From whom am I afraid? why am I not asking for help? I realized that the haircut was not physical but emotional stress.
“The universe allows me to dig under the different layers of my past instead of hiding the truth length of the problem”—a past full of anxiety and insecurities I should get rid of immediately. I look at myself in the mirror over and over to let out tears of frustration, trying to transform anger into wisdom. Everyone keeps saying my hair will grow, and I keep repeating that to myself with the following gratitude mantra:
” Thank you, Universe, for allowing me to be vulnerable”; if not for this feeling, I would never have had the courage to focus on myself, to write and ask for help. With short or long hair, I’m not a vicit, I am a smart, intelligent, cute, sweet, beautiful women, who deserves to be happy under my owm terms. My hair will grow, and so my compassion to forgive.
I’m always happy to hear from you, this blog is a safe space to exchange ideas. Feel free to write me at :
zairameneses@gmail.com